I am totally pissed off. I really don't know how to handle this. I know I'm a cast off but for the love of that there is good. hands off the things that are mine. I personalized that post so I have all the right to fucking use it. It
's not my problem if they don't have any station to use, the thing is hell i got first on that station and it should be the least of my fucking worries on where they would go at!!!! I'm so so agrivated. Fuck them!

I cannot say that I'm happy nor that I'm still being friendly with misery. So I'm somehow floating. Drifting from happiness to melancholy of sadness. I'm a bit happy since some one is trying to come back in my life. A bit gloomy because of certain issues welling up w/n my the four corners of my work place. I really cannot understand why do some people consider me as a competition, what more frustrates me is this people are my close friends. Guess, fear of betrayal still lingers in the depths of my soul. Sometimes I cannot understand myself, wether I want to be noticed or just remain as the little girl who nobody knows.

Though on the bright side the 13th month pay is near, that cheers me a lot. Finally I can purchase my own pen tablet and indulge my self in the thing I love to do most. CG art weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee


I guess I should be more cheerful.

*ghack* If there is a time in my life that I would love to kill my self is today. I know that this is not the first time. But today I did the most stupid thing that I a human being could do!!! rawr I hate myself. I forget his birthday for heavensake. HIS birthday, now isn't that something stupid. And my Kiriban for him is only 1/4 finished, damn and his birthday is today. TODAY goddamnit... now how in hell will I finish it.....
aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sometimes i cannot help my self thinking, how simple the days were back then. during the times when i was just tsr. all i'm concern about is my stats, that's all. those things are easily to achieved, all they need are passing number. not un like now. now, i need to maintain my stats and also to deal the back whispers that iritate me day by day.

how i wish to be back during those times. how i wish i could

Yesterday was worst, today is terrible.

My love life is wretched now my work is slowly turning unto painful misery.

First, got scolded for having a petty argument infront the trainees. Damn, they told me that as a team we must show unity in front of other. Fuck it all up, bcoz my buddy --- duh can't call him my buddy though --- is so i-logical over the discussion for Quality. I mean for heaven sake, they are just trainees. Why couldn't he be a little lenient towards them. He reasoned out that we must not be lenient towards them, so when they hit the production floor, they will not be a bunch of headache, but still. THEY ARE NEWBIES. THEY ARE NERVOUS. AND THEY WILL NEVER DO SOMETHING NASTY ---YET--- SINCE THEY WANT TO IMPRESS. AND BOMBARDING THEM WITH A HORDE OF STUPID RULES. It's not right... It's not fair. Our wave had that treatment, I mean our QAR's was a little easy on us regarding the rules, and as an officer I do reckon that they too have that right.

Shit I'm to pissed off, that I want to smack him straight on the face.

Second, I will not be the one to get the sanctions, but my LEAD who knew nothing about the incident. That makes me feel guilty coz he knew nothing of the issue. And I knew to well how it feels to be sanctioned for something that you didnt do. It sucks big time. And to make matters worst, my lead would just say that it's ok. Don't let that thing bother me. It will slip out eventually. BUT IT BOTHERS ME AND I KNOW TOO WELL THAT IT WILL NOT SLIP OUT EVENTUALLY. I'm ranting again... shit... this is so frustrating. The moronic idiot is beside me right now and I'm having the urge to throw my clipboard and my avaya phone towards him.

Maybe I should just go down and smoke... or much better drown my misery over chocolate sundae. And when I get home I would definitely watch BLEACH again, and drown myself over Byakuya...


But still I'm pissed off

They are back together, him and his "ex"...

Or maybe I shouldnt call her, his ex...

His now back with his girlfriend, the person that he love more. The reason why he cant give his love to me. I should be happy since he is happy right now. That's what I wanted to happen, that is what I keep on telling him when we are together. To go back to her, if that what keeps him happy, if that what he longs, what he wishes. Now they are back together, why couldnt I be happy for them. I should be...

And this emotions that is welling up inside me, are not the emotions that I should be feel. I shouldnt feel pain, jealousy and the inane urge to ask him 'WHY'. After all that's what I wanted right? For him to be happy.


I guess this normal... I'll be fine... I'll be okay...

Damn at least I could make my self believe those words...


I should be fine...

Joy, love, heartbreak, sorrow, hope, despair, anger
Tempo's of the alegro
Stance's of a broken heart
Cycle of the mad lady's heart
Who was resurrected and killed by the same alchemist

Joy she felt when she re-surfaced again
Love greeted her w/ the sight of her creators face
Heartbroken she was when another creation was made
Sorrow fell over when the she writhed w/ pain
Hope loomed over as a smile was casted her way
Despair grew w/ more smile was casted the other way

Anger deepened when neglect grew constantly
Pain, suffering, tears, hatred, agony, hopelessness
She knew no where to go
W/n the tangles of emotion
Confused and dazed she was
Pain was unbearable
SUffering welcomed her every day
Tears was endless
Hatred, how hard she tried to supress it
Agony came her friend
Hopelessness so sheer she no longer want to live again

So what if I'm hiding again? It's my choice right. To hide what I feel, to hide all my sentiments. Why cant they just accept that I-am-the-kind-of-person-who-believes-that-some-things-are-better-left-unsaid??? And besides if I share to them all of my laments? Would they let me finish before they say na " Ano nanamang kadramahan yan?". Then she will tell everyone, that I am giving her another load of a headache [crappy grammar, I really should not write when I am this upset]


amf [excuses her self as she fills her room w/ all the profane words that she knows]... Okay I'm a little bit calm now. But still if they want me to come out they should wait till I'm sure that I can handle my self, so no what so ever commotion will occur.

Man, why cant some people just leave somethings unsaid? and now that everyone know his error, he would go and cry his self in front on the public and proclaim his self that he is innocent nad he said nothing like that?! Ow common, everyone know that all his snappy remarks ever since the tragedy occured are perfectly aimed at their rival station. I was really pissed w/ him yesterday as he gave his piece of mind at that cheap showbiz talk show.

I mean why cant just GMA leave ABC CBN, alone for a while. Why should they bother themselves to make the issue so damned sensational?! And the hell is on her "EXCELLENCY" mind to ask Senator Pangalinan's better half for a public apology or she'll sue her for a freakingly 3 million pesos. Crap, does she know what she is asking?! I mean common what is 3 million w/ the Cuneta Hieress. And what's w/ the rumor that she'll make sure that the station's of the Lopezes be damned close?! like hell that would happen. What is she? A Marcos wanna be?!

I'm really annoyed w/ the turn of events recently. I mean if they really feel sympathy towards the people who were victims of the tragedy. Instead of airing that the NBI would do this, would investigate that and this. They could just ask for donations right?! I'm not saying that each station should bury the hatchet... that's to much to ask, but I mean for the sake of the victims it's either they help or shut up.

Heck I think I'm really a kapamilya in a way... Yes, I guess I am. They shown many anime's that I love to watch. Too bad GMA got GTO (and what's w/ the ep w/ Tomoko last friday, they cut the best part amf). Speaking of anime, what's w/ ff.net pulling all my e x t fics at the same day... due to wrong rating?! I mean they should have emailed me that I need to edit them or they'll pull it out. Or at least they gave a little warning by removing one of the fics. So in that way I might have thought of editing some of them. Especially Winter Misery. But heck they didnt /pif


~merhiel

why is it that whenever they say that they are happy for me. Their actions says the other wise. I didnt get repriminded at work. And when I told them that. They go like,

"okey so we wont see you again for a long time"

I was really upset with their words, I mean I'm always online. But is it my fault if I play a little earlier than they are. Or if our schedule doesnt match??? And now that I completed my equipments (again... sheeesshhh I hope I wont get hacked again), nobody seems to be pleased with it. Or am I just being morbid again.

And even if I want to watch my latest anime cd, I cant watch it cause my stupid computer crashed down. Maaaannnnnnnnnnnnn....